Why Hiding Death From Children Doesn’t Help
Let’s have a dead good conversation about something that makes many of us feel a bit uncomfortable, talking to children about death and why hiding death from children doesn’t help.
It’s the one thing that connects every single living being, but so many of us, often with the very best intentions, try to shield our children from it. We want to protect them from being hurt, but we are not. That’s actually doing more harm than good.
Modern research, ancient philosophies, and even a look at different cultures all point to the same thing: having honest, age-appropriate conversations about death helps children grow into healthier, more resilient people.
What Science Is Telling Us
Children are far more perceptive about death than we often give them credit for!
- 1. They grasp it early: Believe it or not, children start understanding the biological reality of death pretty early on, often before they even turn seven. When we, as adults, help them understand this, they actually show less anxiety about death and develop better coping skills.
- 2. Hiding hurts: Trying to protect children by holding back information from them (what experts call “protective buffering”) can actually lead to more long-term distress and stress for both you and your child.
- 3. Honesty brings peace: Even when a child is very ill and dying, being open and honest can actually lower their anxiety and help them have what clinicians call a “good death”.
It might feel like you’re being kind by shielding them, but science shows that openness is actually the best way to keep them safe and strong.
What Philosophers Have Taught Us
Long before modern science, wise thinkers were telling us that understanding death is part of living a full life.
The Stoics, ancient philosophers, saw death as a natural process. They even encouraged people to contemplate mortality (“memento mori”) to appreciate life more deeply. Marcus Aurelius, a famous Stoic emperor, reminded parents that even their children were mortal, so they’d cherish every moment even more fully. I can relate to that.
Existentialist thinkers like Kierkegaard and Heidegger believed that truly acknowledging that our lives have an end is key to living authentically and genuinely.
Modern ethics also tells us that being truthful with children builds trust. It respects their growing ability to understand and honours their dignity. I worried after my mum died that I hadn’t handled it well when I told my son. I had a conversation with a children’s psychiatrist, and she assured me I had done the right thing, saying that “If you had lied about it, you would have broken that bond you have with Ben. It may have never healed properly.”
Far from being harmful, understanding death has been seen for centuries as a foundation for resilience.
How Different Cultures See Death
The way we talk about death has changed
Our own culture often tries to push death into the shadows, but many other cultures approach it very differently. In the US and Western Europe, death-denying language uses terms such as “lost” or “passes away”. Or even “crossed over the rainbow bridge”. Children might be kept away from funerals or given vague explanations. See my example at the end.
As Dr Kathryn Mannix said, “The way we talk about death has changed. We’re reluctant to broach it, and we have started to use acceptable words that are airbrushing mortality out of our conversations – ‘passed away’, ‘lost’, ‘dear departed’. It’s creeping into media reporting, too. It’s starting to feel impolite to use the D-words. We must not allow that to happen.”
My friend works in IT support. He had a call out, and on arriving, he was asked about “Bob”. “I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but ‘Bob’ died. The response was “, That’s harsh.”
My friend was confused but didn’t think any more of it and completed the job. On returning to his office, he was called in to see the boss. The company had made a complaint about how he had told them of “Bob’s” death. They were asked, “What should he have said?” Passed away was the answer.
Many Eastern societies (e.g., Bali, Malaysia) view death as a natural transition; rituals take place right at home. Children often participate in ceremonies and see the body, normalising mortality.
It’s clear that cultures that involve children in their mourning rituals often report lower death anxiety and fewer complicated grief symptoms throughout people’s lives.
Talking About Death
Here’s a simple guide to having these conversations, tailored for different age groups:
Infants & Toddlers
Maintain their routines; provide extra physical comfort.
Use simple words: “Grandma died. That means we won’t see her anymore.”
Preschoolers
Explain that death is final: “When something dies, it can’t come back to life.” Avoid confusing phrases like “sleeping” (they might get scared of going to bed!) or “went on a long trip.”
Early School-Age
You can start giving a few more biological details: “When someone dies, their body stops working.” Encourage all their questions, even tough ones, and answer them factually and briefly.
Pre-Adolescents
Discuss why someone died (like a “disease” or an “accident”) and address any worries they have about fairness. Validate all their mixed emotions; help them find ways to cope, like journaling or drawing.
Teens
This is when you can dive into bigger moral, spiritual, and philosophical questions. Model vulnerability: share your own feelings to normalise grief.
For all ages:
Use honesty; a truth is always better than a made-up story. Provide opportunities for ritual participation (choosing flowers, drawing a card). Keep communication two-way: “What do you think happens?” invites their curiosity.
These guidelines are based on a mix of paediatric palliative-care fast facts and developmental studies, which you can find here.
Practical Conversation Starters
Sometimes, just getting started is the hardest part. Here are a few friendly ideas:
Nature Walk: Observe a fallen leaf or a dead insect and discuss life cycles.
Memory Box: Create a special box where your child can place photos or drawings of someone who has died.
Storybooks: Select age-appropriate titles that present death openly. But use due diligence. Some books that claim to help children understand death brush over i
It’s completely natural to want to protect our children from pain, and shielding them from death might feel like the kindest thing to do. But when we look at science, philosophy, and what works in other cultures, the message is clear: truth, told with compassion, is the greatest protection we can offer.
By inviting children into honest conversations about dying and death, we’re actually empowering them to live – and to grieve – fully, building a resilience that will stick with them their whole lives.
My perspective
My brother said to me, “You do death well.” This was in 2005, when I had just called my aunt after the death of my uncle. He had taken his own life. “I couldn’t do that”, he said.
I was unsure what he meant. I assumed that everyone would pick up the phone on hearing about the death of a loved one. It wasn’t until years later that I realised that this was not the case. I pondered why. Was it because my mother was a nurse, and speaking about dying and death was a normal part of life? But if that were the case, surely my brother wouldn’t shy away from these conversations.
It wasn’t until years later that the penny dropped. I was reading an amazing book by Dame Professor Sue black – “Written in Bone: Hidden Stories in What We Leave Behind”. She aspired to have made friends with death, and I realised that is what I had done.
In 1991, my son was diagnosed with a life-limiting disease (Cystic Fibrosis) the week before his second birthday. Somehow, I had subconsciously made friends with death.
I never shied away from answering his questions when the goldfish died or when the wild rabbit that frequented our garden was found dead. Even when he asked, “Mummy, am I going to die?” I answered honestly. “Yes, we are all going to die”. His grannie died when he was seven years old. It wasn’t easy telling him, he adored her.
When I became a Celebrant, I realised how important it is to be honest with children. This example demonstrates why.
I met with a lady to plan her husband’s celebration of life. She spoke about their granddaughter, who I think was six years old. She assured me that they had explained everything to her, but that she wouldn’t be attending the funeral, which was at a natural death burial ground.
A few days after the funeral, I checked in with her. On the call, she said that the day after the funeral, they had taken the granddaughter to the grave, and she became hysterical. Why? Because she had been told that grandpa had gone away to be made better. And here she was, standing on top of the ground where he was buried
The best example was for the funeral of a lady I knew. Her granddaughter had been present when she died and was given the opportunity of saying goodbye. She fully understood that her grandma had died.
At the funeral, an Ed Sheeran song that her grandma sang along to was played, and this beautiful soul got up and danced. On leaving the chapel, she declared: “Goodbye, Grandma, I love you”.
Let’s start a meaningful conversation about something many of us find difficult—talking to children about death. Open the door, ask the questions, and create a space where honesty and understanding can grow get in touch HERE
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